你真的想听吗？！——赛斯给一位听力损伤者的建议（中）

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你真的想听吗？！——赛斯给一位听力损伤者的建议（上）

赛斯：我只是指出某些特征而已。你心怀怨恨，你对你丈夫的怨恨已经有一段时间了。在这段时间里，他已经改变了。

（玛丽：“这我有发觉。”）

赛斯：他试着让你了解他。

（玛丽：“是的，我知道。”）

赛斯：不过，从那时起，你就开始“关机”，说：“我再也不要听了。”所以你一定要学会宽恕，无论是对自己还是他人。

当然，你正在对耳朵做两件事。你告诉自己你想要听，而你的另一部分却在说：“我不想听！”“我不想听你说什么。”因此，你发出了相互矛盾的信息。这就是听力下降的原因。

好，在你丈夫变得更愿意沟通之前，在他做出努力之前，你已经陷入了自己的惯性。你没有努力跟他交流。你让关系停留在表面。这让你们两个在很长一段时间里相安无事。不过，后来你们搬了家，你们被绑在一起，一个危急的情况就出现了。它立刻引发了潜藏已久的、多半被搁置的冲突。他试着跟你好好相处。他的确试着弥补失去的时光，而且开始成长，也开始了解。

在某种程度上，这“威胁”到了你，因为你已经习惯了旧的关系，它至少让你有安全感。你已经放弃了对他的期待，你害怕再次受到伤害。结果，你开始了这种撤退。内在问题是可以被面对和解决的。好，没有任何问题可以一了百了。但是，状况会被化解、成长、发展、改变，如果你允许的话。

你的耳朵、你的听力会得到改善，只要你明白原因是内在的，并把问题摊在阳光下，然后使用某些仅仅是辅助的技巧。如果你这么做，你不用开刀也会改善。

如果你不这么做，即使开了刀，也不会改善。好，我并不是说开刀不会暂时有帮助。但是你不改变态度，开刀也无济于事。不过，这个决定，你知道，得要你自己去做。

（玛丽：“我必须决定要不要开刀。对不对？”）

赛斯：的确是这样。我不会告诉你要或不要。我已经跟你讲了我的想法。听力，你知道， 听力的状态，和其他事情一样，是一种象征性的、生理上的声明，表明你和丈夫之间缺乏沟通。只不过现在不愿听见的人是你。话说回来，这并不是你目前状况的唯一原因。这个“习惯”是在过去，当你“屏蔽”你不想听到的噪音时养成的。你习惯把声音挡在外面。

如果你的感觉足够敏锐的话，你甚至可以当场逮到自己。在一个对话中——现在听我说——在一个对话中，现在当你进入一个你认为听起来会很无聊的对话时，你可能当场逮到自己正在想：“这很无聊。我才懒得听呢。太麻烦了。”现在你以为你之所以会有这些想法，是因为你的听力有问题。相反的，早在听力障碍出现之前，你就已经有这些想法了。你先这样想，后来才出现状况。每当不愉快的感觉升起，你就会做出一连串屏蔽声音的决定，直到这些决定一个迭一个，最后“制约”了你；你制约自己不去听。问题是过了一阵子，你知道，你把自己制约到再也控制不了你起头的这个过程了。直到那时候，你才害怕了。

好，你有问题要问。

（玛丽：“你认为情况有好转吗？比方说，最近几周，我和丈夫就写支票的事情达成一致，不再用支票代替现金，这样一来我们就能控制花销。我想这会帮我……”）

赛斯：对你们两个来说，金钱也是沟通的一个象征。问题不是钱，而是你们对钱的看法。还有因此产生的冲突。

重要的是……

（玛丽：“你认为……”）

赛斯：沟通，而不是钱。

（玛丽：“我有一种感觉，在过去的几周里，在沟通这方面，情况已经开始好转。”）

赛斯：每次你做出真诚的努力——你们两个真心努力沟通时，情况就会开始改善。

（玛丽：“我也有这种感觉。”）

赛斯：但是，你必须愿意接受沟通带来的任何结果。不能说第一次的沟通不太愉快，下回就说：“这一次我不要听了。”

（玛丽：“你一定要听我说完……）

赛斯：或者你又撤退了……

（玛丽：“你得听我说完。”）

赛斯：好，听着。你没有在“听我说完”。你对待我的方式，就是你对待你丈夫和别人的方式。你不是在听我说话，而是在想你的下一个问题和你想说什么。

（玛丽：“对不起。”）

赛斯：我提这个只是想让你知道你是怎么运作的。在这种情况下显而易见。这是你的一个特质。你有时候太按耐不住想要表达你自己的想法，以至于没有注意听别人在说什么。还有，坦率地说，你也往往不关心他们的想法。

这里不一定指我。但如果你不在乎他们怎么想，那么你就不会去听了。在交谈之间观察你自己。我的意思不是要你密切地观察自己，以至于你无法思考，而是要你观察你自己的反应和你的所思所想。在各种情境中诚实地问自己：“我想听吗？如果不想，为什么我不想呢？”

好，你经常把声音当成一种屏障。而且，你利用独白设置了一个声音的屏障，不让别人靠近你。你却没有发觉你在这么做。你竖立的屏障像一座座的墙，别人想要跟你沟通却无法穿过，无法在你们的交谈中找到一个“洞”来触及你。而且你越紧张，就越疯狂地竖立这种声音的屏障。你把声音当成屏障，于是，当你受到的威胁加倍时，你就不听外面的声音了，而是从中撤退。因此，在你的“生存机制”中，整个“声音完形”对你来说是非常重要的。你已经用它来保护你自己，要么建起声音的屏障以避免与外界的交流，要么，当这一招失效的时候，干脆就拒绝——拒绝听。所以，你一定要问自己，你对声音的态度最初是从哪里开始改变的，还有，你为什么要以这样的方式利用声音。我会给你一些线索。

你自己提到了一些。对你来说，噪音，打从你小时候，就是要避开的。声音传递的不是愉悦。你不是从愉快的交流这个角度思考声音，对你来说，它变成了一种传达难听信息的方法，所以你一有可能就挡掉它。你会发现，如果你开始培养听声音的乐趣，这会对你有所帮助。

开始播放你喜欢的音乐。倾听雨声。不要“只是听”，而是要容许自己敞开，接受雨滴发出的不同的啪哒声和声音模式。让自己沉醉在声音的变化之中。告诉你自己，声音就像光一样，很容易获得。

好，有些人不喜欢看不愉快的物体或景象，但很少有人会为了避免看到不好的东西，就停止使用他们的视觉，并放弃美好的景物。可是在你当下的惯性之中，这就是你正在做的事。

学着轻松、温柔地说话。你在写作中能轻松顺利地沟通，因为没有牵涉到声音。你有沟通的能力，在这方面你天赋很高。你只是在声音层面上中断沟通而已。你一旦发觉并理解了这一点，就可以开始在这方面放轻松了。

你不肯让自己享受你目前女性特质的某种乐趣，而原因有好几个。出于某种目的，你明知道你的身体有吸引力，却偏偏一定要反其道而行。你贬低你的特色，而不是突显它们。你一直担心、害怕你人格中的女性面向。

在某种程度上，你为了你丈夫以前的态度而惩罚他，故意不让自己的外表显得那么有魅力。你想：“他活该！他还敢期望什么？”同时，你也怕你要是真的尽可能展现自己的魅力，就会再次被他伤害，你不愿意冒那个险。

你可以是一个非常迷人的女人，你可以修整你的头发，你可以突显你的特色，这你心知肚明。你看，这将会自动改变现状，因为除非内在的认知首先引导你这么做，否则你改变不了物质的面向。不论你丈夫的反应如何，你都会因此感到更丰盛，在情感上也会更富有。

我要你仔细听这节课。如果可以的话，我建议你把它打印出来，还要读一读。一天一次，读一段时间。现在我让你休息一下。

——摘译自赛斯《私人课》第二册

（未完待续）

编译 |

校对 |

DELETED SESSION (FOR MARY SMITH)

MAY 3, 1972

…

I am simply pointing out certain characteristics. You carry grudges, and you have carried one, several, concerning your husband for some time. In the meantime, he has changed.

([Mary:] “I’m realizing that.”)

He is trying to get through to you.

([Mary:] “Yes, I know that.”)

Since then, however, you began to “close down” and say: “I will listen no longer.” You must learn, therefore, to be more forgiving, both to yourself and others.

You are doing two things with the ears, of course. You are telling yourself that you want to hear. The other part of you is saying: “I do not want to hear!” “I do not want to hear what you have to say.” You are, therefore, sending contradictory messages. This accounts for the decrease in hearing.

Now, before your husband became more willing to communicate, before he made an effort, you had fallen into your own rut. You did not try to relate to him in any strong manner. You let the relationship stand at a surface level. For a long time this served you both. Then, however, when you moved a critical situation was set up, where you were thrown together. This immediately brought forth the conflicts that had been latent and largely left alone. He then tried to relate to you. He did try to make up for lost time,and he began to grow and to understand.

To some extent, this “threatened” you, for you were used to the old relationship. At least you felt safe with it. You had given up expecting from him, and you were afraid of being hurt once more. As a result, you began this retreat. The inner problems can be faced and solved. Now, no problem is solved “forevermore”. Situations are resolved, however, and grow and develop and change, if you allow them to.

Your ears, your hearing, will improve when you realize that the cause is an inner one and when you bring the problem out into the open, and when you use certain techniques that are simply aids. If you do this, you can improve without an operation.

([Mary:] “Good.”)

If you do not do this, you will not improve even if you have the operation. Now, I am not saying that the operation may not temporarily help. But without changing your attitude, it will not help to any degree that will compensate you. But the decision, you see...

([Mary:] “What?”)

But the decision...

([Mary:] “Yeah...?”)

... must be your own.

([Mary:] “I’ll have to decide if I want the operation or not. Is that right?”)

You will indeed. I will not tell you.

([Mary:] “Uh-huh.”)

I have told you what I think. The hearing, you see; the state of the hearing, is among other things a symbolic, physical statement of the lack of communication that has existed between you and your husband. Only now it is you who will not hear. That is not the only cause for the condition, however. The “habit” was set in the past when you “shut out” noise that you did not want to hear. You are in the habit of shutting out sound.

You are in the habit of shutting out sound. Now, you can even catch yourself if you are alert enough doing this by the feeling that you have. In a conversation—now listen to me—In a conversation that you now decide sounds boring when you enter it, you can catch yourself thinking: “This is boring. I will not bother to listen. It is too much trouble.” Now you think those thoughts come to you because it is so difficult for you to hear. Instead, those thoughts were yours long before the disability showed itself. You thought that way first, before the condition, And whenever unpleasantness arose, you would make a series of decisions to shut out the sound until these decisions, one upon the other, finally “conditioned” you; you conditioned yourself not to hear. The problem is that after awhile, you see, you conditioned yourself so well that you no longer control the process that you began. And only then do you become frightened.

Now. You had a question.

([Mary:] “Do you think that the condition has changed for the better in say, the last couple of weeks, when my husband and I agreed, for instance, on the check-writing thing; not to write checks for cash and then... so that we could control the money.... I think this will help me to....)

The money was also a symbol of communication as far as both of you were concerned. It was not the money, but your ideas about the money. And clashes that resulted.

The point was...

([Mary:] “...Do you think....”)

the communication,

([Mary:] “Hmm.”)

not the money.

([Mary:] “Uh-huh. [Pause.] Do you think... I have a feeling; that things have started to change for the better in the last couple of weeks—in that regard—communication.”)

Every time you make a sincere effort—the two of you to communicate—then the situation will begin to improve.

([Mary:] “That’s what I had a feeling.”）

You must be willing, however, to accept whatever comes of the communication. The first time it becomes unpleasant, you cannot, therefore, the next time say: “This time I will not hear”.

([Mary:] “... You have to hear it out....)

Or then you retract....

([Mary:] “You have to hear it out.”)

Now, listen. You are not “hearing me out”. As you behave with me, you behave with your husband and. others. You are not listening to me so much as thinking of your next question and what you want to say.

([Mary:] “Sorry.”)

I mention it only to show you how you operate. It is obvious in this situation. It is a characteristic. You are sometimes so impatient to express your own ideas that you do not listen to others. Also, often, you do not care, quite frankly, what they think.

Now this does not necessarily refer to me, here. But if you do not care what they think, then, again, you will not listen. Observe yourself—in conversation. I do not mean to watch yourself so closely that you cannot think, but observe your own reactions and your thoughts. Honestly ask yourself in situations: “Do I want to hear? And if I do not, why don’t I?”

Now. Often, you use sound as a barrier. Also, you use monologs, and set up a barrier of sound to protect yourself from other people. And you do not realize that you do this. You erect barriers like walls—so that someone wanting to communicate with you cannot get through, cannot find a “hole” in your conversation to reach you. And the more nervous you are, the more frantically you erect this barrier of sound. You use sound as a barrier, therefore, and when you become doubly threatened, then you do not hear the sounds that come from without, but retreat from them. The entire “gestalt of sound” is therefore highly important to you in your “mechanism of survival”. You have used it to protect yourself, either erecting sound yourself to protect you from communications coming from without, or, when this fails, by refusing—refusing to hear. You must, therefore, ask yourself where this charged attitude toward sound originated, and why you use it in such a way. And I will give you some clues.

You mentioned some yourself. To you, noise, from your early years, was to be avoided. Sound did not convey pleasure. You were not thinking in terms of the communication of pleasure. It became, to you, a method of conveying unpleasant information, and therefore to be shut off whenever possible. You will find that if you begin to cultivate the pleasure of sound, this will help you.

Begin to play music that you like. Listen to the rain. Do not “just listen,” but allow yourself to be open to the different pattering sounds and sound patterns that the rain makes. Become fascinated with the behaviors of sound. Tell yourself that sound is like light; that it is easily available.

Now some people do not like to look at unpleasant objects or sights, but very few of them would stop using their vision and give up the good sights so that they would not see bad ones. Yet this is what you are doing in your present course.

Learn to speak easily and gently. You communicate easily and well in your writing because sound is not involved. The ability to communicate is yours, and you are highly gifted in that regard. You are simply dropping the communication on the sound level. Once you realize this and understand it, you can begin to relax in that regard.

You are denying yourself a certain joy in your own present femininity, and for several reasons. With some purpose, you see to it that you are not as attractive physically as you know you are. You play down your attributes, rather than dress them up. You have been worried about and afraid of the feminine aspects of your personality.

Now. To some extent you punish him for his past attitudes by not appearing as attractively as you could. You think: “It serves him right! What does he expect?” At the same time, you are afraid that if you do appear as attractively as you can, that you will be hurt again by him, and you are unwilling to take the chance.

Now. You can be a very attractive woman, and you can fix your hair; you can play up your attributes, and you know it. This will automatically, you see, change the situation, for you will not change the physical aspects unless an inner recognition has first led you to do so. You will feel the richer for it, emotionally richer for it, regardless of your husband’s reaction.

I want you to listen to this session well. I suggest, if you can, that you type it up, and also read it. And once a day, for some time. Now I will let you take a break.

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